E14. Wisdom Watches - Active Listening

Boi Carpenter

Welcome to the Inquisitive Leader podcast. My name is Boi Carpenter, and I’m truly honored to have you here. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of wearing many hats—visionary, advisor, strategist, a leader of large-scale teams, and, more recently, an executive coach. It’s a journey that has spanned over thirty years and has taught me countless lessons about leadership, personal growth, and the power of community. Today's episode is about active listening.

Boi Carpenter

So, I love the phrase, "Wisdom watches, fools interrupt." That just… well, it hits home. You know, there’s this funny paradox in leadership. We spend years polishing how we speak—crafting these perfect emails, learning how to command a room, all of that. But, honestly? The leadership skill that stands out the most isn’t about what we say—it's about how we listen. That can be really tough, especially if, like me, you had years of being trained to jump in with solutions or… well, sometimes just loving the sound of your own voice maybe a little too much.

Boi Carpenter

Let’s talk about those pitfalls. Most organizations, especially fast-paced ones, nurture a habit of interrupting. There’s always that pressure to problem-solve quickly, to prove that you’ve got answers. But that kind of quick-fix energy? It shuts down trust. You see it—a manager cuts someone off or fills a silence way too fast just because it’s awkward, and suddenly people stop sharing. I’ve done that myself. Unintentionally, of course. But I’ll admit, I might have missed some of the best ideas floating around the room because I was too quick to fill the gap, instead of letting silence do its magic.

Boi Carpenter

The truth is, patience and presence are the secret weapons of wise leadership. You set aside all your mental noise for a minute—just really watch and wait. It’s not passive, not at all. It’s actually demanding. Sitting with someone and giving them your full attention—no multitasking, no thinking about your response while they’re talking... that’s rare. And, what happens is, other people start to feel safe. That’s when you see creativity come alive, people speaking up with honest thoughts, not just what they think you want to hear. It's a bit like what we touched on in that episode about flaws—where we talked about seeing the strengths behind what we usually try to gloss over. There’s so much wisdom hiding in the places we’d usually rush past.

Boi Carpenter

So, where was I going with this? Right—the point is, great leadership starts in those silent moments. That’s where all the good stuff gets unlocked.

Boi Carpenter

Okay, so there’s a pretty cool neuroscience angle here. When you really listen—like, you focus on someone else’s words and their feelings—your brains, uh, actually start lining up. It’s called interpersonal neural coupling. That’s a mouthful, but basically, your attentiveness helps you sync up with whoever you’re talking with. Empathy literally lights up. It’s wild. And it’s way more powerful than jumping straight into giving advice. In fact, sometimes the advice bit just… kind of backfires.

Boi Carpenter

But here’s what gets overlooked: It’s not just what people share out loud. The magic is in noticing what’s left unsaid. If you sit with the silences, you’ll start to see the patterns—the little pauses, the “um’s” and “well…”s—those are the windows into what really matters. Maybe there’s tension or an unspoken worry nobody’s voiced yet. Or, on the flip side, sparks of excitement about a new idea that just need a little encouragement to come out.

Boi Carpenter

And, you know, as I learned the hard way, if I’m too quick to jump in or fill the quiet, I totally miss those cues. Sometimes people are just gathering courage to share their real concern, or maybe they’re thinking through something they can’t quite say yet. Leaders—if you can be patient with that, you’ll catch so much more than just what’s on the surface.

Boi Carpenter

So attentive silence, it’s not about disengaging. It's about becoming hyper-present. In those few seconds of quiet, information emerges that would never appear if you pushed too hard or filled every gap. And that’s what allows you—your team, really—to move from just exchanging information into genuine connection and deeper understanding. Which, by the way, is something we talked about in that episode about embracing uncertainty. Stillness sometimes gives you a clearer signal than any rushed answer ever could.

Boi Carpenter

Now, let’s get practical—because, well, listening is only as good as how you put it into action every day. I’ve picked up a few tools that have made a world of difference for me over time, both as a manager and as an executive coach. First up, and this is so simple but so tough in the moment: pause before you respond. I do a slow count to three in my head—it sounds silly, but it stops me from jumping in reflexively.

Boi Carpenter

Open-ended questions are another favorite. Instead of saying, “Do you agree?” I’ll ask, “What else do you see?” or “Can you tell me more?”—these invite longer stories and insight. Then, always reflect back—paraphrase what you heard. “So if I’m understanding you, what matters most is…” That way, people know you’re actually listening, not just nodding politely while you plan your reply.

Boi Carpenter

But honestly, a lot happens even before anyone speaks. Watch the nonverbals—body language, tone, the way someone’s fidgeting or suddenly sits upright. Sometimes someone’s nervous, sometimes it’s excitement. Leadership isn’t just about managing what’s said—it's tracking the whole vibe in the room.

Boi Carpenter

Here’s the ripple: when you model attentive listening, your team catches on. They do it with each other. Over time, the culture changes—it just does. People become curious, more likely to ask others for their thoughts, and less likely to make snap judgments or shut things down too fast. It becomes an environment where innovation, resilience, and that spirit of “progress, not perfection,” really thrive.

Boi Carpenter

So, give some of these practices a try this week, and see what emerges from the pauses, the silences, and the presence you bring. I’ll be back with more tools soon, but for now—choose to watch, choose to listen, and see how your leadership unfolds.