E4. Presence and Self Compassion

Boi Carpenter

Welcome to the Inquisitive Leader podcast! My name is Bowie Carpenter. I am a visionary, advisor, strategist, and executive coach, bringing over twenty-nine years of professional experience as an individual contributor, manager, and leader of large-scale teams. I'm also the creative architect of this podcast.

Boi Carpenter

It is such a pleasure to welcome you into the Inquisitive Leader community. Today's episode is about giving yourself grace and leading with presence and self-compassion.

Boi Carpenter

As leaders, we carry so much, don't we? The weight of responsibility, the expectations—sometimes they feel endless. And whether those expectations come from others or, more often, from within ourselves, they can be overwhelming at times. There's this unspoken pressure to always perform—to always be at our very best. And and let's face it: it’s not just unrealistic, it’s unsustainable. We’re human, after all.

Boi Carpenter

So, what happens when we allow ourselves a bit of grace? What if we paused and gave ourselves permission to exhale, to stop for a moment and simply breathe? You know, I’ve learned over the years that true leadership isn’t about pushing through at all costs. It’s about being present—fully, in the moment—with ourselves and with others. And presence doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from acceptance, from self-compassion.

Boi Carpenter

I mean, how often do we actually extend that same compassion to ourselves that we so freely give to others? It’s almost like, as leaders, we place ourselves on this pedestal of expectations—but who does that serve, really? Certainly not us, and often, not those we are trying to lead either.

Boi Carpenter

So, let’s start by asking the question: what would leadership look like if we let go of that need to be perfect? If we allowed ourselves to show up, flaws and all, with openness and honesty, and just trusted that our best is not our worst and is probably enough?

Boi Carpenter

There’s this idea—a myth, really—that as leaders, we’re supposed to be “on” all the time. Always composed, always decisive, always prepared to handle, well, anything. And honestly, just saying that out loud feels exhausting, doesn’t it?

Boi Carpenter

Now, I’m not saying we should abandon accountability or stop striving to do our best. But this notion that we have to be perfect, no matter what life is throwing our way, it’s a recipe for—well—burnout. And and it doesn’t make us better leaders; it makes us distracted, stretched too thin, and often less effective.

Boi Carpenter

I’ve seen it. Leaders spinning their wheels because they’re so focused on proving something—to others, to themselves—that they lose sight of what really matters. And here’s the thing: no one, not one of us, is at our best, our sharpest, every single minute of every single day. It’s just not how we work as humans, let alone as leaders.

Boi Carpenter

But here’s where it gets tricky—too often, we tie our worth or credibility to this impossible standard. We think, 'If I’m not putting in 110% every moment, what does that say about me?' But you know, it doesn't have to say anything, except that sometimes, we need rest, we need space, and we need to be okay with that.

Boi Carpenter

And maybe, maybe that’s the bigger lesson. Leadership isn’t about doing it all or being everything to everyone. It’s about understanding when to push and when to pull back. It’s about allowing yourself to be human, even in a role that can feel larger than life.

Boi Carpenter

When we think of leadership, how often do we equate it with action? With doing? With solving, fixing, or, well, making things happen? But what I’ve discovered is that some of our most powerful leadership moments aren’t about doing at all—they’re about being. Being present, being intentional, and just being open to what’s unfolding, right in front of us.

Boi Carpenter

You know, there’s a word that comes to mind here: presence. And and it’s more than just showing up physically. It’s about really showing up mentally, emotionally, and even—dare I say it—spiritually. It’s about listening—not just to others but to yourself. It’s noticing the tension in your shoulders, the way your breath feels shallow when you’re stressed, the stories you’re telling yourself in your head that might not even be true.

Boi Carpenter

And here's the thing: when we’re able to pause and manage that moment—to really tap into that sense of who we are right now—we’re not just leading others, but we’re leading ourselves. And honestly, that’s where the magic happens. Because let's face it, if we’re constantly reacting, constantly moving from one thing to the next without stopping, are we really leading? Or are we just, you know, following the chaos?

Boi Carpenter

It’s funny, isn’t it? We so often focus on mastering external skills—communication strategies, decision-making models, conflict resolution tactics—but how often do we focus on simply noticing how we are showing up in a moment? What’s going on inside us and how it’s affecting our leadership?

Boi Carpenter

So, here’s a question, and, well, it’s one I ask myself a lot: How are you managing the moment? Not just the situation, not just the people around you, but that moment within you—the space between stimulus and response. Because that, right there, is where leadership begins.

Boi Carpenter

Alright, let’s take a moment here. I really want to invite you to reflect on where you are right now—mentally, emotionally, even physically. So often, we’re moving so fast, aren’t we? Our days blur into one another, and carving out time to pause, to think deeply about our experiences, can feel like a luxury. But it’s so important, isn’t it?

Boi Carpenter

So, as you consider how to show up for yourself and for others in a more present, a more compassionate way, here are a few questions I’d love for you to sit with. And you don’t have to answer them perfectly. In fact, it’s not about the answers at all—it’s about the process of thinking through them.

Boi Carpenter

First, how do you show yourself compassion, especially on the days when things don’t go as planned? When you’ve made a mistake, or when it feels like you’re—well—just not measuring up? Do you speak to yourself with the kindness and understanding you’d offer to a close friend, or do you, like so many of us, default to self-criticism?

Boi Carpenter

Next, what does being fully present look like for you? I mean, when was the last time you sat in a conversation—like really sat in it—without thinking about what you had to do next or what you were gonna say next? How can you bring more of that presence into your leadership, your relationships, your day-to-day moments?

Boi Carpenter

And finally, here’s one I come back to again and again: what makes you feel most connected—to yourself, to others, and to the things that really matter in your life? When you’re feeling stressed or pulled in a million directions, how can you realign with those sources of connection and bring them front and center once again?

Boi Carpenter

Give yourself the grace to sit with these questions, and maybe, just maybe, let the answers unfold slowly, over time. Remember, this isn’t about fixing or solving—it’s about noticing, reflecting, and beginning to understand yourself more deeply.

Boi Carpenter

Leadership isn’t about doing more, striving harder, or proving your worth. It’s about showing up—fully, authentically, and with presence. So take a deep breath. Let it out slow. And and remind yourself that you are already enough, just as you are in this moment.

Boi Carpenter

You know, I want you to remember that this journey—this path you’re on—it isn’t about reaching an ideal or perfect version of leadership. It’s about becoming more of yourself, more grounded, more real, and more present. And yeah, it takes practice, and it takes patience. But it’s worth it, isn’t it?

Boi Carpenter

So as we close our time together today, I’d like to leave you with this: Be kind to yourself. Show up as you are. And trust that wherever you are in this moment, it’s exactly where you need to be. You’re doing the best you can. And that is enough.

Boi Carpenter

On that note, we’ll leave it here for now. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for leaning into this conversation with me. Until next time, take care and be well.